How Often Is Your Mind On Your Side?

When anxiety plagues a person’s thoughts, working with others can be a challenge. It becomes easy to feel weak and inferior. Tasks begin to seem laborious. Some believe that pushing on doggedly and trying to be more organized will end the pessimism. Unfortunately, this is hardly the case. The feeling is one of carrying a backpack full of rocks. 

According to Shirzad Chamine, author of ‘Positive Intelligence’, PQ is the percentage of time your mind is acting as your friend rather than as your enemy. He explained that A ‘PQ’ score of 75% is a critical tipping point. Above it, you are generally uplifted by the internal dynamics of the mind, and below it, you are constantly being dragged down. 

Everyone has an inner critic, and it is challenging to find the off switch. Do you deliver nasty messages to yourself such as;

·      I have to be the smartest person in the room 

·      I don’t deserve this success

·      What if I get figured out? 

·      I hate to lose 

·      I need to be more like this person or that person?

Personally, if my negative thoughts were a clan or committee, they would have daily meetings that go on past their scheduled time. The recurring career feedback I usually got was that I lacked confidence. It seemed like valuable advice but despite reading, researching and talking to many mentors, the voice of negativity would not be quiet.  I knew it was something other than a lack of confidence. 

The most significant challenge was trying to talk to my leader and being vulnerable to having a bit of an imposter feeling.  For years, I placed a ton of undue pressure on myself. Despite being successful, there was still a part of me that had to change. 

As I hired an executive coach, I learned ways to recognize my inner critic. Additionally, I got a breakthrough when I became a coach.  I connected with the annoying voice which made me feel incapable for years. 

In the coaching field, we call the inner critic ‘the Saboteur’. As a Coach who works with leaders who feel stuck and out of balance in a complex and continuously changing business environment we work early on in the relationship to identify the saboteur and create ways to bypass this form of negative self-talk. 

If your saboteur has a firm hold on you, try these things to suppress it. 

•       Get to know the Saboteur

•       Come up with a name for your saboteur – this can be fun!

•       Finish these sentences – “My saboteur is fond of saying__.” “At work and home, we use these saboteur comments___.”

•       Build separation from your sabotaging thoughts and create awareness for other choices.

Additional techniques to help lower the volume on negative thinking: 

•       Label negative thoughts as helpful, neutral and harmful. Especially the ones that wake you up at 2 AM. Stop destructive thoughts from piling up on your mind.  

•       HALT – The danger of Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness. This acronym reminds you to pause (Halt) and determine if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. The simple technique helps determine if our basic needs are not being met, causing self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.

•       Incorporate a daily mindfulness practice: 

o   In general, mindfulness is known to impact brain systems that control emotion regulation and self-awareness (Paulus, 2016).

o   For three years, I have been practicing mindfulness. I describe it as ‘brain massage’.  

o   I utilize the Headspace App. I highly recommend mindfulness to my clients. Recently, a spouse of one of them complimented her husband’s improved calmness and presence.  

•       Get to know your Sage as Shirzad wrote in his book, Positive Intelligence. Your Sage has access to five great powers: empathy, exploration, innovation, navigation, and decisive action.  

These useful techniques continue to serve my clients and me, especially when ordinary events in life cause commotion.  

As a leader, my passion is getting other leaders back to their A game. I have experienced great success in improving their PQ to above the tipping point of 75%.

Whose wheel are you drafting and who is drafting yours?

Last week I was cycling with a good friend of mine, who influenced my love for cycling. We had a two and a half hour ride of two tails. The first 20 miles went smooth - fast, enjoyable with medium effort required to get to the turnaround point.  The back half kicked my ass. Because of headwinds, there was a 8-mph loss and a major change in effort required as we peddled through the wind.  

The good news for me was I was able to draft my friend. Moreover, he also drafted me in the course of cycling. 

Drafting is an important technique in cycling. As the lead bicyclist moves through the wind he creates a turbulent vortex behind himself.  As you follow closely behind and move into the wind behind the front cyclist, you gain an advantage. Basically, you have less wind to contend with.

As I peddled along in appreciation of my friend for helping me get through the second half of the ride, I landed on the thought of vulnerability and the importance of raising your hand when you need help? 

Why do leaders and in many cases, men fail to ask for help?  Why do they have a hard time admitting they are in need of someone to draft much like we do in cycling?

How many times have you heard someone say, “I got this”? In reality, those are the three worst words we say to ourselves. I know from personal experience; this lone ranger approach ends poorly. This is because sometimes when we say this, we really cannot handle things on our own. At least, not easily anyway.

With everything we have to balance – faith, finances, health, family and friends, marriage, personal development, fun and recreation, and career how can we possibly go at it alone? Trying to go at it alone is a common reason for business and career failures. 

Top groups I draft on a regular basis to make sure I can take on the headwinds in life are listed below - 

1-    Close friends.  Much like my riding buddy, we openly talked about issues in our lives and how we are dealing with it.  The best part is we are in two totally different professions and that is one reason we support each other so well. We are curious and ask really good questions to one another.

2-    Men Group– each Tuesday morning at 6 am,I spend an hour with a group of men from church.  This has been life changing for me.  Grounded in faith we openly talk about life.  Thanks to a strong group of men, we push on each other – HARD.  Equally, we support by using power questions, accountability and support.  The transformations we have made is real.  

3-    A Coach– Two years ago, I hired and maintained an executive coach. As a result, I am now working on my coaching certification.  This one is easy.  I appreciate having someone in my corner.  A coach who is curious, listens, asks great questions and calls BS when I need it.  

4-    Fitness community– Ironically the week I wrote this blog, it was my third workout of the week with a different friend. I swam, ran and cycled with three different friends.  To put icing on the cake, the following day, I had a 5K planned with my wife. Talk about support from others! 

The irony of drafting  

Surprisingly drafting not only helps the bicyclist following the leader, but the lead cyclist gains an advantage as well.  So, two people who are drafting can put out less energy than two individuals (who are not drafting).  

Whose wheel are you drafting and who is drafting yours?

Change your Perspective -Volunteer

Did you Know? The feeling you get when helping others is as important to your health as exercising and healthy eating. I couldn’t help but notice how much the volunteers at my recent race helped me achieve a new PR (personal record).  The cheering, high fives from kids, funny posters (You run better than our Government or Bikini Contest Ahead, Touch here for Super Boost) and the water being handed out by young kids as they get splashed on a cold brisk AZ morning. I absolutely love the support. The best part is that volunteering is a two-way street. 

Volunteering can help change your own perspective and impact your own life and others in ways you never thought possible.

Many times, we play the same broken record to ourselves.  “I can’t do this”, “I don’t have time”, or “I am not built for that,”“before this happened in my life, I used to…” are some of the words we say to ourselves. Sometimes the smallest change in our perspective will help us think differently about something (life, work situation, problems, family, health, etc.). For example, if you volunteered at a running event, you would see how others’ struggle may be worse than your own, yet they hang in there and keep running.  You will also realize just how needed and important you are.

Giving back is a great way to show appreciation which in itself can be a change in perspective.

Volunteering is something you should do with your team. Of the many career memories, some of the best are the time we gave back. Serving food for the homeless in Downtown LA, making dinner for children at a Ronald McDonald House or playing soccer with kids at an afterschool program are just a few.

Volunteering and giving back has had an impact on my own kids. Watching them shop for and deliver Christmas gifts to those who otherwise would not have received gifts was a benefit for all. This past weekend I asked Megan if being at my race made her interested in running. She said yes.  While she wasn’t there to volunteer she was there to support me. I can remember when running was not at the top of her workout regimen…. CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE.

It’s easy to feel the impact of giving your time and gifts back. It can be as easy as serving water to a guy running his heart out for a PR or giving a first bike to a young kid and serving a hot meal to a homeless person.

Change your perspective, change your story and make difference in the lives of others and your own.

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give” – Winston Churchill. 

ETS - Embrace the Suck - said coach Frank!

Achieving success happens only after you have built sweat equity and have put in the hard work.  One of the best triathlon trainers in Arizona coach Frank, taught me the concept of embrace the suck (ETS), which in a nutshell means, to not complain about the hard and rigorous work you need to put in to be successful. For example, while learning to swim, there were many cold mornings where the last thing I wanted to do was jump into an outdoor pool at 5 am.  Although the water is heated, it still sucks going from a warm bed to a body of outdoor water. I’ve recently thought about the concept of ETS as it applies to the development of leadership.

In any leadership role, there are assignments, development activities and assignments that will feel like swimming first thing in the morning.

There are things we can take from the world of fitness and embrace the suck as we develop as leaders.

Having a coach/mentor – For athletes and leaders, coaches push us beyond our comfort zone. They find a way to help us become a better version of ourselves. The better the coach the more honest they are with us, which can hurt. ETS means not running away but toward the goal our coaches and mentors are guiding us to, which is to make us exceptional at what we do.

Network – When I lost 20 lbs., learned how to swim and run an 8:30 mile. I also increased the time I spent with professionals in the world of fitness. Ironically, where I grew more as a leader was by developing a more diverse network of other leaders who think differently than me and in some cases were outside my industry.  ETS of networking means putting yourself out there and be uncomfortable making new contacts and the well-known disliked activity of NETWORKING.

Family Support –Your spouse and kids should be your biggest fans.  I will never forget mile 21 of my marathon. I was exhausted and on the verge of quitting when I heard my daughters yell “daddy!” I stopped for a quick hug. Suddenly, running the remaining 5.2 miles that seemed a herculean task became easier thanks to the support from my family. Learning to embrace the suck here comes down to deliberately and intentionally making out time to spend with your family.  If I had to point to one thing that works but is also a sacrifice, then it’ll be to eat as many meals together as a family, uninterrupted. No phones at the table or eating in front of the TV.

Cross Train – After ten years of running a 10-minute mile, it took less running and more swimming, biking and circuit training to run an 8:30-minute mile.  At work, take calculated risks and work in a different department.  Embrace the suck of signing up for different projects or try moving to a different department. 

As you think about what Embracing the Suck means for you, I leave you with a quote from Muhammad Ali –“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.’”

Leadership - Do you have the right team in place to have a killer year?

As a leader and business owner you control many things but one of the most critical is the investment you make in people and how you show up as their leader. A good leader manages his people in order to get the work done but a great leader motivates and inspires his team and is a major influence on them at work and elsewhere. Let your team members know their value to you as a person and to the business.

Take time to know what makes your team tick. Motivation varies by person. Employee engagement is below 63%. With an improved economy, companies are looking to lure your best talent. In most cases people leave their manager, not their job. 

Don’t be the reason team members leave.

Know your team.  Not just from what they do and how their tracking (results) perspective, but take it deeper. Be curious, explore and ask questions.

*  How are they feeling about their role? 

*  Are they getting feedback and in a way that they can relate to?

*  Do they feel valued? 

*  What do they feel they can contribute to the team?

*  Where can they make the most difference and how?

Does your team refer others to work for your team and company? And how likely are they to leave? Observe their attitudes and behavior whenever you are around them. Make effort to know their weaknesses and their strengths and also let them know too. Relate with each of them on a more personal level and commend them on their strengths and individual successes no matter how little or insignificant they might be.

Recognize your employees’ opinions and value their contributions. Never underrate a simple act of appreciation that you give them. It goes a long way in encouraging them to do more. Share your stories and similar experiences with them so that they would know that you were once in their position at one time or the other. This would spur them into putting their best in the hopes to be in your position someday. They would see you as a genuine person who still has his flaws but works beyond them to achieve something greater.

If team members are at their best they will do their best.

Real Mentors Push Strollers

During my run today, I came across a mom handing her son a snack as he was sitting happily and comfortably in his stroller.  As I waved at the young toddler, I had a flashback to the times I pushed my own kids in their strollers. I had mixed emotions about the memories, as there were times when my daughters were at peace in the stroller and other times when they were upset and wanted out, badly. Needless to say, the job of a parent is never easy, even when it’s as simple as pushing a stroller.  Makes me think of the role mentors play in my life.  I know first-hand there are times that I can act just as a fussy kid in a stroller. Lucky for me, my mentors knew when to push, when to let me out to run and when to pick me up and dust me off.

As I continued to run, I couldn’t stop thinking of the key lessons I had learned from past and current mentors.  Around mile five, I considered how mentors shaped me into who I am today.

Leadership Lessons

• It’s less about me and more about leading and serving others.
• In a leadership role, be willing to make the tough calls.  Be fair and consistent but be okay making unpopular decisions.
• Attract, develop and promote the best people. Great teams make the job of a leader less stressful and extremely rewarding.
• Be present and visible to your team and always make time to listen.
• Understand the financials – regardless of the size of business, understand what activities drive and influences performance. Become a student of KPIs.
• Change management – be willing to walk the walk and talk the talk. The best way to trigger a change in a team is to, as the leader and role model, be the first to change.

Life Lessons

• Go further in my faith. Understand the difference between a believer and a follower.
• Lean on other men who have similar challenges and aspirations in life.
• Never stop learning – self-development doesn’t have to end.
• Set personal goals, not just business goals. Use the Wheel of Life as a standard to planning.
• Patience, kindness and love are always available.
• In mentoring, there has to be reciprocity. As you have been mentored, likewise return the favor and mentor others.

I am blessed to have the mentors I came across and new ones I will meet. Just as the mom who was there for her son in the stroller, mentors will continue to be there for me.  My goal is to know when to be pushed and when to step out and walk on my own.  

Who’s pushing your stroller?

Demystify Goal Setting – Find an Accountability Partner

As you create new goals, will your negative inner voice jump on your shoulder and remind you of the lack of execution on 2017 goals? As we continue to improve our craft, goal setting plays a key role in helping us make necessary tweaks. To avoid a lackluster year of goal setting, it’s critical to lean on an accountability partner. This is a person you can trust to make you uncomfortable and to really push you (set fire to your ass, sort of). I am not talking about a person you feel comfortable with; I am talking about the person who in service to you, will provide the hard truths. 

Who is the right accountability partner and where can you find one?

The right accountability partner in most cases is a leader you worked for in your career who left a great impression. For me, my accountability partner and coach is my former boss, Gerry, who I worked for during my career and is now a close friend. Gerry’s leadership style can be likened to that of Bill Parcells of the NFL or Greg Popovich of the NBA. There was no room for error and your best was required every day. If you wanted to be part of an elite team, you had to be willing to be accountable. For goal setting, this was a perfect set up. Each quarter I would review my goals with Gerry. After each session, he would remind me of the accountability I would be held to. Trust me, there were plenty of times I wish I hadn’t signed up for such a crazy agreement, but in the end, I always grew from the experience. More importantly, with Gerry as a coach, I consistently crushed my goals. As you approach your goal this year, the second-best thing you can do besides ink your goals is to find your Gerry.

Finding the right accountability partner is not as hard or confusing as it may seem. Think of the one person you know who is not afraid to be direct, honest and willing to provide you feedback, not minding that it may not be what you like. Usually, it’s the person who, with a few questions, can get us immediately reflecting on different perspectives. Many times, they ask questions as an inquiry knowing it will take us a few days to come up with the answer. These accountability partners know how to put the pressure on and yet, never push us over the edge.

Because they are direct, they make us hungry for more.

As you finalize your goals, take one more step. Find your accountability partner and invite them to coffee or set up a FaceTime call. Thank them for all they have already done for you and ask if you can lean on them for accountability. Grant them permission to be tough, honest, and direct. Give them an example of how they helped you in the past or how you see them helping others. Set up the logistics, send them a copy of your goals and then be willing to be open.